Christmas Memories (included)



Last Christmas, Santa found my three beautiful girls and me at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. Oh, the memories. It was a very special Christmas and will always be my favorite!

In our darkest moments, hope will light the way.

Last year at this time, my perspective on life was very different than it is today. Last Christmas, I was certain with all my heart that December 2012 would be a time of celebrating the end of Jane's chemotherapy treatment, not the end of her life. I had envisioned 2013 as a cancer-free, happy beginning to the rest of our lives. Oh, wait a painful difference a year, Jane's and my dad's death, and a dose of reality makes.

Last December will go on record as my favorite Christmas for several reasons. The most important and most obvious reason is that Christmas 2011 was the last Christmas Jane spent with us here on earth. And, while I miss her with all my heart, I take some comfort in knowing that she has the greatest gift of all and that is spending her first Christmas in heaven with God.

Another reason that last Christmas was memorable is that it wasn't so much about the gifts under the tree as it was truly about kindess, generosity and the time we spent together. Although, Jane was very sick and was not able to participate in her normal, active way, we were together and that is all that mattered. Together, we watched for Santa through our large windows that overlooked the Minneapolis skyline and we created a Christmas tree out of construction paper that a kind nurse found for us. We hung our one-of-a-kind tree, complete with paper ornaments, up on the wall and put out milk and cookies for Santa. And, when all of us were sleeping (and I mean ALL of us, myself included) Santa snuck into our room and placed a myriad of gifts under our tree. The sweet sounds in our room that morning as the girls awoke to the miracle of Christmas were music to my ears. Much to my surprise, there was even a gift from Santa to me under the tree that Christmas morning. Thank you to all the elves who help stock Santa's shelves at hospitals around the world. The kindness is so heartwarming and when you are the receipient of such generosity, you can't help but have a brand new perspective of the true meaning of Christmas.

This Christmas is so very different. Last year, when my best friend took me Christmas shopping in Minneapolis, I was full of energy and excitedness. I could hardly wait for the girls to open their gifts that Christmas morning. This year, when I shopped with a very good friend in Alexandria, I couldn't help but cry in every store we visited. The night itself was very nice and included good conversation and a nice Italian meal with new friends. But, the shopping was hard, very hard. Everywhere I looked, something would either remind me of Jane or remind me of her soon-to-be absence beside the tree on Christmas morning. I had knots in my stomach and I felt like I could throw up in the aisles at anytime. At one point, we got back out to the truck and it was like someone turned on the faucet. Tears flowed down my cheek and as hard as I tried I couldn't shut them off. I was so sad. I missed Jane so much. I wanted so badly to turn the clock back a year and have one more Christmas with my beautiful angel Jane.

As I shopped for presents, I was filled with an overwhelming guilt when I would only pick up two of something. How could I not buy something for my favorite 9-year-old? I couldn't. So, I bought her a couple of presents - two different angels. One to put with the collection in my bedroom and the other to hang on our Christmas tree.

I also plan to hang her stocking beside the rest of ours. But, this year instead of Santa bringing stocking stuffers to place in Jane's stocking, we are going to start a new tradition where each member of our family puts our wishes for the next year in her stocking. We hope that Santa will take them to the North Pole and help make our all of our wishes and dreams come true in 2013.

I still have more gifts to buy and some to make. I am not sure how I will have the courage or the energy to go back into the stores for round two. But, I know KatieRae and Anna would be very disappointed if I let them down, so I know that I will have to put on my big-girl panties, dry the tears and suck it up and do whatever it is I have to do to get through this holiday season.

Until yesterday, I had no concept of what people meant when they said the holidays are one of the toughest times of the year. I thought I was immune to the pain of the holidays. I was sadly mistaken. This has been the most painful, heart wrenching days of my life, next to her death of course. But, then again, I was numb throughout the entire month of September and somehow was temporarily shielded from the enourmous pain I now feel.

And, while Jane's death is on my mind constantly, my heart breaks for the families that lost loved ones in the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. I want to go and hug each and every one of the moms and tell them to some degree I understand the pain of their loss. I know what it is like to have to bury a child all too soon. Regretfully, this Christmas we'll be sharing a mutual experience of getting through our first Christmas without our children. Although, I can relate on some levels to their immense pain, I was lucky in some respects that Jane had cancer. Jane and I were able to talk about her legacy. We were able to say "I Love You" one last time. We were able to say good-bye. I just hope the moms and dads in Connecticut can find peace in the moments, hours and days before their child left for school the last time.

I think it is important for us to remember that everyone carries a hurt of some kind, it's just that some may not be as obvious as others. Regardless, everybody needs to know that somebody cares. This holiday season, I hope we can all open our hearts and eyes to those around us. Everybody needs somebody who cares - and be prepared because this season someone might just need you.

Blessings and Peace this holiday season.