The Power of Grief (included)

Grief is a very powerful emotion. It took the death of my daughter and the death of my dad for me to start to understand the complexity of grief and beast it can really be.

While, I would be the first to agree that some grief is necessary in a healthy healing process; grief can also be very demoralizing and paralyzing.

Be nature I am an optimistic, glass is 1/2 full type of woman. I like to see the good in people, the best of a situation and the hope in life. But, I admit that some days my grief has clouded my vision and instead of seeing the vibrant red, orange and yellow in life I have focused on the grays.

It has been almost four months since my daughter died. And, while I was naive at the beginning of this journey, I am fighting hard to not become a complete cynic because of it. Life can really suck somedays and it takes a lot of inner strength or really good friends to help push through those days and see the sunshine again.

Although it is very logical, it is still amazing and downright baffling to me that how we view the world is defined by our experiences and perspective on life. Until I became a mother who had to bury her daughter prematurely, my blinders were on to the plethora of parents who experience the same thing each and every day. It is a miserable club that has enough members and my heart breaks and I grieve each and every time a new mom or dad joins us.

I can't truly yet explain to my heart, why this holiday season has been as painful as it has been. But believe me it's tougher than I could have ever imagined. I so wish Jane and my dad could be with us opening gifts on Christmas morning. It's hard to shop and not pick up that perfect gift and put it in the cart. Yesterday, there were more dad/father books than I can remember seeing in holidays past. I found myself picking up one particular book and then putting it back on the shelf because for the first time in my life I won't have a dad that can open that gift Christmas morning.

It would be easy to become cynical, depressed and bitter this holiday season. Some moments it feels like everywhere we turn children are losing their lives, mean people are doing mean things and the ugly bully called cancer is depriving too many people of another day with the ones they love. It would be really easy to let the bad win and give up. But, I have always liked a challenge and living each day to the expectations of Jane is a challenge worth winning.

I consider myself very lucky to have the gift of inner strength from my parents, a fighting attitude I adopted from Jane, the gift of gab from my dad and some of the best friends and family around who protect me when my guard is down and depression starts to take a nasty grip on my life. In my opinion, when faced with the pain of grief it appears to be much easier to concede to the pain then to fight back to happiness. And, that's why my Christmas wish today is that each and everyone of us has someone who will keep us from being alone and from hovering too long in a pool of self pity. I think it's healthy to take a short dip in that pool, but (and this is a big "but") staying their too long is not a healthy way to grieve.

As I wrote in the beginning, grief can be very paralyzing. I have stopped exercising recently because it has been hard enough somedays to put one foot in front of the other, let alone have them move quickly and with some sort of rhythmic pattern. But, this morning I woke refreshed (thanks in part to a heart-to-heart with a friend) and realized that I am just five months away from my first 1/2 marathon, seven months away from hopefully my first 'Color Run' and nine months away from a run dedicated to Jane and finding a cure for childhood cancer. I suppose I better start training soon.

May this Christmas bring each of us a vibrant outlook on life. And, remember each and every person you meet is fighting one battle or another today. Share a smile, a hand or a kind word - it may just brighten someone's day.

From my family to yours, I wish you a very joyous, blessed and safe holiday. Merry Christmas.